I’m not here to make excuses

Holy crap,  it’s good to be back!

To be completely honest, I’ve been going back and forth about whether I should start this up again.  But, it gave me great motivation and that’s something that I need right now.   Whether anyone reads it or not, this is for my own benefit.

Brass tracks, let’s get down to ’em!

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Let’s just take a quick sec to look at this picture that I took the other day.   Let’s seriously look at it, and reflect, and feel shame, and embarrassment at it and everything it represents.

I’ve never been THIS heavy before.
And I’m not going to make excuses about it either.  
I’m facing a truth that I frankly think a lot of men and women need to face.

I’m a fat, lazy, slob

I’ve become incredibly comfortable in my life. I’ve given up and lost the fight.
I’d rather come home and watch X-Files then cook dinner, take a walk, or go to the gym.
I’ve also realized that I am eating a LOT more. I started a new job in April and I’m sedentary, I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Guess what I do with that time. That’s right, I snack. And it’s not carrot sticks I’m chompin on either!

In another post I’ll be talking about my eating habits and what’s wrong with them.

There is good news though! Because I’ve gained so much weight, that means that I’ve surpassed the calories it takes to maintain my body weight. All I need to do is restrict my calorie intake and increase my calorie output! Genius, right?
Yeah, it’s literally that simple.

I can already hear the furious key typing, “but I have condishuns” “my thyroid is all outta whack!” Yeah, me too. I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, and guess what? It’s literally the most common thyroid condition out there. My mother and my best friend both had thyroid cancer and no longer have thyroids, and they aren’t obese.
I’m not going to use this as an excuse, this is something that is going on with my body and it’s not something that is going to inhibit me from getting healthy. It may make it harder, but that just means that I need to be stronger.

“You don’t know me! I’m a picture of perfect health!”
Ok, keep telling yourself that. If you are my weight, or bigger, you are not healthy.
On paper, yeah I’m pretty healthy (thanks mom and dad!) My cholesterol is great, my blood pressure is awesome, I have the resting heart rate of an athlete (somehow) and I don’t have diabetes.
BUT, my back hurts all the time, my knees are shot, and yeah, I could chalk this all up to getting older. I’m 28 now. But the truth is, it’s all the extra weight I’m carrying. I’m not an idiot.

“But I love my curves!”
That’s great. Good for you! I’m really glad that you can look at yourself and be ok with what you see. But does that mean you need to stop improving? Does that mean that you are at your complete best?
My theories on #honormycurves and #haes and #effyourbeautystandards are pretty harsh and that’s for another post.

I’m ending this post on the note that I’m not making excuses for my body, I’m not blaming anyone or anything but myself. I’m owning it, and I’m taking responsibility.
And I apologize if this post jumps from one topic to the next with no clever segue but it was written over two days in a bit of a rush.

Love, Christina

I was born this way

Yes, that is the song of a new, and in my opinion, a powerful Lady Gaga song.

I guess I’m posting this here because this is supposed to be my “YEAH YOU CAN DO IT” goal tracker.  But I have something to say to people who feel down on themselves.

That song is my favorite because I think that it’s amazing that there are people who can love themselves, it’s super inspiring and I wish I could be like those people.
Truth is, I do hate myself.  I hate myself more than I let other people in on.  I wish I weren’t so damn fat, and I believe that I am ugly.  If given the choice of making out with me and a camel, I can honestly say I believe someone would chose bestiality.  As luck would have it though, I managed to snag an awesome boyfriend who, until he reads this, doesn’t quite understand how deep this hatred is.

I don’t feel as if I have any talents worth noticing, and I truly hate that.  I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t draw, I can’t play a musical instrument and I’m not very good with numbers.  I can’t memorize state capitals, I just had to look up to make sure I had the right form of capital, I can’t crochet, or knit, or sew.  I have no fashion sense, I can’t organize, I’m not handy with a tool, nor am I good housekeeper.  I can’t cook unless it involves a bag and a microwave.  I’m not a connoisseur of wines and cheeses, I have never kept a plant alive, and I truthfully can only type 40 words per minute.  I can’t hold my liquor, and I get yelled at when picking songs from a jukebox.  My horse never wins at the water-gun-the-clowns-mouth game at carnivals and I can’t shoot a basketball.  I fall on my ass when rollerskating, my left hand turns are disastrous.

Those are just a few of my many lack of talents.

I can smoke quickly, I can pack cigarettes pretty well, I’m an awesome photobomber, and I make an ok pie.  I can hold my bladder for long periods of time, and I’m great at smiling through pain.

The last bit is what gets me the most.  I don’t like people knowing how badly I really hurt.  I smile a lot so it’s no big deal.  I pretend that I like who I am, that’s my best talent.  I can laugh about myself, and I can say that I love being me, but it isn’t true.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone.  This could just be sadness talking, but I’m pretty useless.

But this is the deal.

If you don’t like who you are then you either fix it, or you deal with it.  I’ve been dealing with self hatred my entire life, but I’ve been around for 23 years and if I haven’t killed me yet, then there’s probably something about me that I do like.  Some sort of teeny tiny minuscule part of me that flashes in my head every time I think about just “ending it”.  I do like that part.  I like the part of who I am when I’m with Jacob, when he makes me feel pretty, or when he laughs at something I’ve said that ISN’T poking fun of myself.  I like the part of who I am when I’m alone in my car and I’m singing as loudly as I can like no one else can hear me.

There’s always a minuscule part of you that you like.  It’s going to be overshadowed by bigger self-hating and self-deprecating thoughts.  But when those moments arrive and you actually, truthfully, honestly feel happiness you should embrace that with every fiber of your body and remember them when things get too rough and you feel like you can’t make it one more day being you.  (apparently run on sentences are another flaw) You might such hard core, I’m not going to lie, there may be nothing going for you but that’s only for right now.  Things change, you grow, people change, you learn, it’s all a matter of time.

That’s all I wanted to say tonight.
Goodnight beautifuls 🙂

And we have lift off!

Jacob and I have been trying our bestestes to do well this past week.  We’ve stopped going to the store late at night, and we’ve stopped eating junk from a bag, and going out to eat.  This weekend was a bit of a killer though 😦

I’ve been eating at school since I have a meal plan, I might as well use it right?

I usually get pasta, which the serving is about the size of your palm, and I will have half of a chicken wrap with just a smidge of Italian dressing to dip it in, and then I have something small, depends on what I feel like, maybe a bit of soup.  At night when I’m at Jacob’s house I will generally eat a yogurt while we’re watching tv.  And I’ve been drinking plenty of water!

This weekend wasn’t such a good time.  We did go out to eat because I had a craving for Denny’s cheese fries, and then Saturday we went to a burger place in town, and I went out and had chinese and Skyline’s chili that night.  I fell off that wagon quickly with my girlfriends.  But that’s ok.  I know better, and I can always just continue to work on it!

We weighed ourselves this morning and here are the results!

From last week-

Jacob- 271.6 lbs

Me- 240.4

This week

Jacob- 267.4

Me- 238.4

Two pounds woohoo!!!

Next week, I’m going to for 3!

My muffin top is all that whole grain, low-fat

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I apologize for the lack of posts but I am ashamed. 

I’ve been dating this wonderful guy named Jacob!  He’s amazing, truly.  Unfortunately I’ve gained all my weight back and plus some, in just 4 months!  I feel so terrible but I’ve not really been exercising much…really at all.  Ok so never, don’t judge me!

Luckily Jacob is bigger too and we’ve both agreed to do something about this.  We’ve had a habit of going to kroger late at night and getting junk food but that stops tonight!  This was our “last meal’ so to speak and tomorrow we may be starting P90X assuming neither of us pussy out.  Wish us lots of luck!

Oh and here’s a pic of my new starting weight.  Sorry its crappy 😦

Let the games BEGIN!

Contest Summary:

You will have the chance to name my domain!  One week from today I will gather all of the suggestions left in the comment area and put them in a poll.  The public will then vote daily on a name and after 1 week of voting I will announce the winner!

Contest Rules:

While I love a good joke as much as the next guy, I would prefer something sans profanity and in good taste.  It MUST be related with these categories- Weight, weightloss, being a girl, or being awesome.

Prizes:

The prize will be a $25 gift card of the winner’s choice.  Prizes MAY be negotiable as long as they are within reason, however, they may NOT be upgraded in value.  And the winner MUST live in the United States.

Good luck everyone and be sure to leave your suggestions in the comments!!!!

Update Pictures

I tried to use the same clothes and poses

Front View

Front View
Left side view
Left side view
Right side view
Right side view

Sorry about the poor quality, I didn’t really mess with the flash setting.  And also, sorry about my toilet being in view 🙂

Measurements to come tomorrow!

And here’s a side by side from 2 months ago and today.  It’s not much but it’s coming along!

PROGRESS!
PROGRESS!

It’s GEMFANTABULOUS

Ok, so this post won’t make a lot of sense to most of the people that read this.  However, it’s not going to stop me.

My friend Thomas and I traveled to St. Louis, Missouri on Friday to see Leslie Hall.  She is an internet celebrity (those of you with kids, yes she’s been on Yo Gabba Gabba).  She’s a rapper of sorts, but she’s SO much more.  She’s amazing and I’m going to share my memories with you 🙂

Oh, side note: Her thing is “gem sweaters” she has a mobile Gem Sweater museum and collects them.  So this would be why we’re wearing gem sweaters 🙂

Me in our room at the Huck Finn Youth hostel
Me in our room at the Huck Finn Youth hostel
Me in my Gem Sweater and Lamé shirt
Me in my Gem Sweater and Lamé shirt
Thomas in his Gem Sweater.  And yes, we took these two pics at the same time :)
Thomas in his Gem Sweater. And yes, we took these two pics at the same time 🙂
These guys were fans and asked to get a picture with us and I asked for a picture with them
These guys were fans and asked to get a picture with us and I asked for a picture with them
You're GLAMOROUS!
You're GLAMOROUS!
Mother Gem HERSELF!!!
Mother Gem HERSELF!!!
Performing Zombie Killer!
Performing Zombie Killer!
Don't worry she INVITED us onstage before the concert!
Don't worry she INVITED us onstage before the concert!
AND she trusted US to lift her up!!!  I kept dropping her though :(
AND she trusted US to lift her up!!! I kept dropping her though 😦
She ceremoniously named Thomas's gem Sweater!!!
She ceremoniously named Thomas's gem Sweater!!!
Hamster Honey Licorice Sticks is the name of Thomas's Gem Sweater!
Hamster Honey Licorice Sticks is the name of Thomas's Gem Sweater!
She was just absolutely AMAZING!
She was just absolutely AMAZING!
Nestling at the breast of Mother Gem haha!
Nestling at the breast of Mother Gem haha!

So, that’s that.  It was SOOO amazing.  A night I shall NEVER forget.  We actually got to talk to her BEFORE the concert and she actually asked us if we wanted to be on stage with her.  And then we hung around after the show and got these pics with her.  She was SO nice, and really sweet. I’ve included my current favorite song 🙂 It’s called “Willow” it’s about Willow from the movie Willow…enjoy!

This is gonna suck.

So I’ve not been to the gym for a week and a half because A) I threw my back out.  B) My membership ran out, and didn’t have funds to go.

Whiny excuses I know!  And, I even made it to the 20 lbs mark.  I lost 20 lbs.  I was actually pert near 30 lbs until I gained some back when I stopped gymming it up.  And started eating horribly.  It’s going to change again.  I just tend to go through this.  Do really good, then slip, then do really good, then slip.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I am planning on going again, so no worries.  I just gotta make myself do it.  It’ll be fine.  It’s gonna suck and hurt, but it’ll be fine.  I’m building a resistance to the pain.  Woohoo.

OH, another reason why I’ve not blogged in SO long is because my computer had a virus and a friend of mine had to wipe everything off of it and reinstall junk.  So, I had to wait like 2 weeks for him to actually get it and fix it lol.

Anyhoo, that’s all for now.  I promise I will post more often! And what did I say if I disappeared again?  You guys were suppose to email me!  Tsk tsk.