Wear your hair a different way for 5 days.  I’ll post pictures up and let everyone know how well it goes!  That is all…

I guess I’m posting this here because this is supposed to be my “YEAH YOU CAN DO IT” goal tracker.  But I have something to say to people who feel down on themselves.

That song is my favorite because I think that it’s amazing that there are people who can love themselves, it’s super inspiring and I wish I could be like those people.
Truth is, I do hate myself.  I hate myself more than I let other people in on.  I wish I weren’t so damn fat, and I believe that I am ugly.  If given the choice of making out with me and a camel, I can honestly say I believe someone would chose bestiality.  As luck would have it though, I managed to snag an awesome boyfriend who, until he reads this, doesn’t quite understand how deep this hatred is.

I don’t feel as if I have any talents worth noticing, and I truly hate that.  I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t draw, I can’t play a musical instrument and I’m not very good with numbers.  I can’t memorize state capitals, I just had to look up to make sure I had the right form of capital, I can’t crochet, or knit, or sew.  I have no fashion sense, I can’t organize, I’m not handy with a tool, nor am I good housekeeper.  I can’t cook unless it involves a bag and a microwave.  I’m not a connoisseur of wines and cheeses, I have never kept a plant alive, and I truthfully can only type 40 words per minute.  I can’t hold my liquor, and I get yelled at when picking songs from a jukebox.  My horse never wins at the water-gun-the-clowns-mouth game at carnivals and I can’t shoot a basketball.  I fall on my ass when rollerskating, my left hand turns are disastrous.

Those are just a few of my many lack of talents.

I can smoke quickly, I can pack cigarettes pretty well, I’m an awesome photobomber, and I make an ok pie.  I can hold my bladder for long periods of time, and I’m great at smiling through pain.

The last bit is what gets me the most.  I don’t like people knowing how badly I really hurt.  I smile a lot so it’s no big deal.  I pretend that I like who I am, that’s my best talent.  I can laugh about myself, and I can say that I love being me, but it isn’t true.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone.  This could just be sadness talking, but I’m pretty useless.

But this is the deal.

If you don’t like who you are then you either fix it, or you deal with it.  I’ve been dealing with self hatred my entire life, but I’ve been around for 23 years and if I haven’t killed me yet, then there’s probably something about me that I do like.  Some sort of teeny tiny minuscule part of me that flashes in my head every time I think about just “ending it”.  I do like that part.  I like the part of who I am when I’m with Jacob, when he makes me feel pretty, or when he laughs at something I’ve said that ISN’T poking fun of myself.  I like the part of who I am when I’m alone in my car and I’m singing as loudly as I can like no one else can hear me.

There’s always a minuscule part of you that you like.  It’s going to be overshadowed by bigger self-hating and self-deprecating thoughts.  But when those moments arrive and you actually, truthfully, honestly feel happiness you should embrace that with every fiber of your body and remember them when things get too rough and you feel like you can’t make it one more day being you.  (apparently run on sentences are another flaw) You might such hard core, I’m not going to lie, there may be nothing going for you but that’s only for right now.  Things change, you grow, people change, you learn, it’s all a matter of time.

That’s all I wanted to say tonight.
Goodnight beautifuls

I’ve been eating at school since I have a meal plan, I might as well use it right?

I usually get pasta, which the serving is about the size of your palm, and I will have half of a chicken wrap with just a smidge of Italian dressing to dip it in, and then I have something small, depends on what I feel like, maybe a bit of soup.  At night when I’m at Jacob’s house I will generally eat a yogurt while we’re watching tv.  And I’ve been drinking plenty of water!

This weekend wasn’t such a good time.  We did go out to eat because I had a craving for Denny’s cheese fries, and then Saturday we went to a burger place in town, and I went out and had chinese and Skyline’s chili that night.  I fell off that wagon quickly with my girlfriends.  But that’s ok.  I know better, and I can always just continue to work on it!

We weighed ourselves this morning and here are the results!

From last week-

Jacob- 271.6 lbs

Me- 240.4

This week

Jacob- 267.4

Me- 238.4

Two pounds woohoo!!!

Next week, I’m going to for 3!

I apologize for the lack of posts but I am ashamed. 

I’ve been dating this wonderful guy named Jacob!  He’s amazing, truly.  Unfortunately I’ve gained all my weight back and plus some, in just 4 months!  I feel so terrible but I’ve not really been exercising much…really at all.  Ok so never, don’t judge me!

Luckily Jacob is bigger too and we’ve both agreed to do something about this.  We’ve had a habit of going to kroger late at night and getting junk food but that stops tonight!  This was our “last meal’ so to speak and tomorrow we may be starting P90X assuming neither of us pussy out.  Wish us lots of luck!

Oh and here’s a pic of my new starting weight.  Sorry its crappy

My current weight is 219.4 lbs.

My goal is 20 lbs by February.

My BMI is 36…we are sooooooooooo going to get that down.

Now, in the spirit of doing this again, I’m going to go back and reread my posts and see my progress and get PUMPED!!!

You will have the chance to name my domain!  One week from today I will gather all of the suggestions left in the comment area and put them in a poll.  The public will then vote daily on a name and after 1 week of voting I will announce the winner!

Contest Rules:

While I love a good joke as much as the next guy, I would prefer something sans profanity and in good taste.  It MUST be related with these categories- Weight, weightloss, being a girl, or being awesome.

Prizes:

The prize will be a $25 gift card of the winner’s choice.  Prizes MAY be negotiable as long as they are within reason, however, they may NOT be upgraded in value.  And the winner MUST live in the United States.

Good luck everyone and be sure to leave your suggestions in the comments!!!!

Ok, so it’s been a few days since I’ve posted, I know.  However, I have extremely good news and it INVOLVES YOUUUUUUU!!!!!  Can you see how excited I am about this?!  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Ok, so here we go!  I told you guys that I was thinking about buying a domain name.  Well, I decided to have a CONTEST!  Shortly after this gets posted I’m going to post another….post.  And in that post will be the full details and rules.  Pretty much this is the gist of the contest.

YOU are going to decide the name of my domain!  I’ll put up a voting poll with each and every suggestion (as long as they follow the rules) and after a week whose ever suggestion gets the most votes WIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

The Prize!

The prize is going to be something totally doable, and affordable.  I was thinking a $25 gift card of the winners choice.    Anyway, you guys better be grinding your gears and thinking!

Fatguru wasn’t the coolest thing I could think of.  And A Journey from Fat to Fit sounds a little…blah.

I want to grab attention!  Especially from young girls and girls my age.  Make this not JUST about my weight struggles but also about all the good crap in my life.  I want this to succeed.

Plus maybe if I pay for the domain name then I’ll continue to post?  lol

Start crackin on some ideas and names!  I have one I’d like to throw out, but I want to hear your ideas!  And maybe we’ll make it into a contest?

Yes, I’m back!  I promisey promise that this time I’m going to keep blogging!  I’m going to try to blog every single day.  Well, maybe not EVERY day.  But most days.  Actually I think I can blog on my new phone.  Not sure though.  I just got the EnV3 and I’m still figuring out all of it’s little bells and whistles.

Anyhoo…I just hopped on the wii fit and it said that I lost 4.9 lbs which meeeeeeeeans….I weigh the exact same as I did when I first left you guys.  I don’t think wii is accurate.  My clothes are feeling a little bit tighter, and I feel like I look like a whale.

My sister has lost an enormous amount of weight which is cool for her.  Everyone thinks she’s sick or something.  I think she looks fine.  She weighs about 130ish.

She was pretty stoked to fit into size 10 pants…but aside from that she couldn’t care less.  However, she’s never been the bigger sister.  So I guess I’m pretty determined to lose the weight now.

There is a problem.  My work offers a kick ass gym facility and I’ve inspired two of my coworkers to go with me, but the thing is this…I’m a lone wolf when it comes to exercising.  I like being by myself, doing MY thing, not worrying about other people.  In fact, I could give two whoops about anyone else.  Gym time is ME time.  I love my coworkers dearly and I would love to go with them but they go for 30 minutes, if that.  I like to go for at LEAST an hour.  And then there’s another problem.  They go after work.  I’m BEAT after work.  I’m constantly walking around a casino, moving NONSTOP…I just wanna relax and take a load off, ya know?
Solution?  I’m going to start going before work.  Leave the house at 11 get there by 11:30, and work out until 1 or so, shower and be all ready for work before 2!  I simply got to put this plan into motion.  I’m feeling pretty lackluster lately.  I have no drive to do much of anything any more.  Hopefully I can jumpstart my hind end into doing this!

Golly it’s 2 AM.  I need to get to bed.  My nephew is on Spring Break and I’m taking him and his sister for a picnic…how fun!  Love and kisses to you all!

Here’s some things you’ve missed while I’ve been away.

1. I have gained 5 lbs since August
2. I haven’t been to the gym since August
3. Operation MMLM will NOT be undergone (?)
4. I’m a jack-tard

Ok, so one fine day in August I went to the gym early in the morning and worked out REALLY REALLY hard.  I ran a lot and just kicked MAJOR ass.  I was so proud of myself.  Then I walked to work!  A coworker of mine asked me if I wanted to go walking after work and I said YEAH!  I mean, come on, another chance to get my sweat on?  I was really starting to enjoy working out.

Unfortunately it came to a pretty quick halt.  I got off work an hour before my coworker and so I waited for her around the store.  While waiting for her I noticed a suspicious looking kid with a pack of lighters.  He was probably about 15 or 16, certainly not old enough to be buying lighters.  So, I started following him.  My friend spotted him in an aisle and motioned that he didn’t have the lighters.  As he was heading toward the door I stopped him and questioned about the lighters.  He said he laid them down somewhere, and I told him that he needed to show me where.

He lead us toward the back and stopped, grabbed his phone and started pretending like someone was on the other end saying that someone was hurt and he was like, “Oh my god.  Is she ok?!”  And tried to walk off.  My friend stopped him and told him that he needed to tell us where the lighters were or she would call the police.  So he confessed that they were in his pocket.  I told her to go ahead and call the cops which is a standard procedure so we can get a “No Trespass Order” placed against them.   The kid tried to leave but I stepped in his way.  Then he charged into me, knocking me to the tile floor on my knee, and took off running.  I was shortly behind him.  I knew I wasn’t going to catch him, but I wanted to see which direction he was headed.

Well, nothing really came of it.  They arrested the kid and I found out that he’s had MULTIPLE assault charges on cops, and theft warrants.  They arrested him a month later and he was back out on the streets the next day.

Welllllll him knocking me to ground ended my gym career for a while.  I landed on my knee on the hard tile floor and it really messed it up.  I couldn’t go up steps without nearly bursting into tears.  And it’s only until now that it hasn’t bothered me.  So, almost 3 months now.  It still gives me problems when I’m driving or if I sleep funny.

As far as the gaining of 5 lbs, yeah that’s due to some baaaaad choices on my part.  Because I wasn’t excercising I wasn’t eating right either.  My bad.

Operation MMLM?  Don’t worry, it’s nothing.  I was seeing this guy named “M” but it fizzled out pretty quickly.

Anyhoo, I’m going to start going to the gym again here REALLY soon!  I simply cannot wait!

Oh, side note.  I do have to wait until I get a new MP3 player because some asshat stole my zen stone and my phone.  I got my phone back but not my stone   It’s ok, it wasn’t that expensive and all of my music’s on my computer…at least most of it anyway.  I can’t run without music!